Do you ever get frustrated watching a movie or reading a book at the main character’s decision in a critical moment? And then to make up for the disappointment, do you imagine yourself making the right choice instead of the mistake the character made?
We all like to believe that we would make the right choice given a chance. It is so easy to put ourselves in the hero’s shoes because we are not currently living the experience, and have the benefit of looking at the situation from the outside in.
And while I’d like to believe that I would have made the right and noble choice in past situations, I don’t know if I would actually have been brave enough to. Why do I say this? Because I’ve gotten to know myself and my body’s natural reaction to stress.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
Most people have heard of the fight or flight response. I wish I could say I would fight. Or even run away from danger. My body’s reaction to stress is neither, but instead, probably the most useless one: freeze.
Trust me when I say that I know this is my natural response. Time and time again I see a stressful situation unfold and I just…stop. I take a long time to process what’s happening before I can take action in the situation. Logically, it doesn’t make sense to me. Looking back at certain moments I wonder why I couldn’t just jump in right away to solve the problem. I just don’t have the immediate response time to handle stress.
What freezing looks like for me
One particular example is from last week. ***Warning: This story mentions vomit***
My daughter had the stomach bug the day before, and still was not back to her usual self. She was complaining that her nose hurt and asked for a tissue. When I gave her one, she started throwing up. It took me a moment to realize that she was (she hadn’t thrown up since the day before), and all I could think to do was to call out to my husband and say, “Oh, no! She’s throwing up!” and once our 1.5 year old decided to climb up the stairs to see what was happening, “Oh no she’s throwing up on Elijah!”
Then suddenly something clicked and I got Elijah out of the way and started helping everyone get cleaned up. Maybe if I had responded quicker, I could have prevented him from getting vomited on.
It’s not just in immediately stressful situations where I freeze up, either. When there is a lot going on in my life, I “freeze” in a way. I still complete the absolutely necessary tasks, like taking care of the kids, driving them to and from school, and do everything in our daily routines, but I fall behind on some other household tasks.
This looks like: rewashing the same load of laundry 4-5 times because I haven’t been able to switch it over to the dryer, not replying to text messages or emails for days to a week at a time, or not reaching out to others through text to say, hello. It’s not that I’m not thinking about you, I do, I just forget to actually follow through with the action. It looks like skipping meetings that I want to go to but just don’t have the energy for. It looks like seeing messes around me and wanting to clean up but not being able to. I don’t know how to describe it other than the freeze response. I can do the minimum, but that’s it.
Until of course, I remember to send that text, or switch over the laundry, or make the time to clean the mess (because it’s driving me crazy at this point). But then I fall back into the freeze response once I get stressed/overwhelmed again.
It’s frustrating to me because I know there is so much I need to do, and that I will feel better when I do it, but instead I just rest. I sit and stare blankly or don’t remember specifically what tasks need to be done, just that there are a lot of them. I can’t think of anything to write about, I can’t think of anything to make for dinner, it’s like all the doors in my brain connecting to my thoughts are closed and locked. And then magically one day they open and I’m productive again.
In My Frozen Era
I am familiar with the terms “mom brain” and “pregnancy brain.” And maybe that’s part of what is going on in my situation. But I honestly believe it is just my body’s response to stress. I don’t have a good solution for it either, other than trying to balance out giving myself grace on falling behind, while still holding myself to a certain standard so I don’t get too far behind on things. (Even if that standard happens when someone is completely out of clothes and their laundry immediately gets put on the “to-do” list).
I think that is why I have had such a difficult time coming up with something to do for Lent this year. I’m in a freeze cycle at the moment (which is why you probably haven’t heard from me as much). It does make a little bit of sense why I am at this time- winter is always stressful for me. But that alone is not usually enough to send me into this freeze response.
I believe that the toll and energy pregnancy places on my body physically and mentally is just enough to send me to that stress response anytime something stressful pops up. Combined with taking care of 5 kids, it’s no wonder I have felt drained.
Giving yourself Grace
It brings me back to one of my words of the year: grace. I know that I need to give myself grace in this season of life I’m in. It’s very hard to do sometimes, and it can also be hard to make sure I don’t excuse getting behind on things I can actually get done as “giving myself grace.” Everything needs to be balanced.
All of this happening during Lent when I’m trying to reflect more on Jesus’ death brings up a question I’m sure all of us have asked ourselves before:
Would I have stayed by Jesus’ side while he was carrying His cross along Calvary? Would I have been hiding in fear? Would I have been stuck just watching the horror unfold?
I know what I want my answer to be. But I don’t know if it’s actually what would have happened.
God is Merciful
This brings me back to another one of my words of the year: Mercy. Thank goodness for God’s mercy on us! It is the reason why Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I know each mistake I make is wrong, but thanks to God’s mercy, it can be forgiven in the sacrament of Reconciliation.
I also am consoled by Peter’s story in the bible. His stress response during the crucifixion of Christ was flight in the form of denial. He didn’t fight and stay there with his friend like John, Mary, or the other women. He denied Jesus 3 times.
BUT, Jesus forgave him. And each denial of Jesus that was made was replaced with an “I love you.” Peter was then given the role as the first Pope of the Catholic Church. God’s mercy made this possible.
All this to say (and I apologize for the length of this post, it just took me awhile to get here), if you are struggling with your own stress response, and doubt your capabilities in handling a difficult situation, give yourself some grace. There is a reason you are stressed. Everyone’s bodies react differently to it as a way to protect you from danger.
And if you are struggling this Lent and feel as if you are failing to walk along the path to Calvary with Jesus, know that He sees your heart and is merciful.
You are His child.
You are loved.
And you are forgiven.
Seek Him out in Reconciliation.
Seek Him out in prayer.
Seek Him out in the Eucharist.
He is waiting patiently for you to ask for help and turn to Him.
