I don’t dress up much anymore. Most of the time you can find me in comfy clothes- leggings and a sweatshirt, workout shorts and a t-shirt with my hair up in a messy bun or pony tail; the classic “mom look”. The only times I try to dress up a little more are for church, special occasions, or if we are on a vacation somewhere (like now).
Recently, I’ve been trying to dress up a little more just for fun and to feel a little better some days. It can be fun to dress up and good for my mental health too.
I have struggled with self image since I was little. I have a memory from first grade where one of my friends called me fat. That has always stuck with me and I think that is when I first became somewhat aware of how my body looked.
Just like a lot of people, I have been up and down on the scale. I lost weight in high school, and was happy with that progress but still never really felt confident in my body. My junior year of high school I started going to the gym and working out a little bit. Senior year I gained a little bit of weight once I started dating and eating out a little bit more 😂.
I was all over the place in college. My first semester I was really struggling with the adjustment and was not happy at school, but the one thing I did enjoy was Zumba and hip hop classes . I did at least one if not two a day, combined with not eating much (I didn’t want to go to the cafeteria if I was going to sit by myself) made me lose some weight. I gained it all back if not more when I switched schools closer to home for the second semester (also happened to be the school Christian was at). I lost weight the next semester when I did ROTC and was working out consistently. I put more weight back on after I decided a career in the military wasn’t for me and was not working out as much. Our senior year of college Christian and I would run a lot together to get in shape for the wedding so I lost some weight.
The first few months we were married, Christian and I lived with his grandmother in Iowa so that we could job search and look at apartments in the area. We worked out together almost every day and would go for runs. Once we found an apartment and had jobs we moved to Des Moines, and found out I was pregnant. I had bad morning sickness, slept a lot, and ended up gaining a lot of weight that pregnancy.
I got pregnant pretty soon after having my first, and before I had the chance to lose the baby weight. That pregnancy I did exercise more and even ran a 5k turkey trot with my mom and pushed Gabriel in a jogging stroller. Once I got a little past the halfway mark of my pregnancy though, I had to stop running because it hurt too much.
After I had Rebecca, I really started watching what I ate and working out more and was able to lose about 20-25 lbs. We joined our current gym and for the first time in my life I began to feel strong and more confident in what I could do. Even after becoming pregnant with Theresa I continued to work out up until the day before I gave birth and was able to come back 2 weeks later. I was happy with the way I felt and started having a better self image.
This pregnancy started off a little different because it was a surprise, and we found out at the beginning of the quarantine. Our gym was closed, but we continued to work out at home.
Working out at home was just not the same as being at the gym in person and we weren’t able to move as much weight. It felt so good to go back to the gym when things in our area started opening up!
Being pregnant really changes your body physically and mentally. It makes your emotions go all the over the place and never leaves you the same that you were before you had kids. It’s not easy seeing myself continue to gain weight after I’ve worked so hard to lose it. I know what a blessing it is to be able to have kids and what a beautiful thing my body is doing, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have days where I just don’t feel good about myself.
I put this shirt on and immediately noticed all my flaws. It’s not a maternity shirt, and it just made me look big. My shoulders didn’t seem small enough (or tan enough) to wear it, and I didn’t think I could pull it off. But instead of changing into a comfy t-shirt right away, I left it on while I continued to get ready. Those few extra minutes I decided to keep it on because it was growing on me, and then I ended up getting compliments on it throughout the day and my confidence grew.
The thing I should have realized right away that morning is that I am worthy of wearing a nice shirt. On days when I don’t feel good about myself, I need to see myself through God’s eyes. I am a child of God and He loves me no matter what and wants me to know my worth.
God made us in His image and His likeness (Genesis 1:26). He wants us to see ourselves that way. I think it’s also important for us to take care of ourselves physically- there are so many benefits of exercise and eating healthy, but also mentally and spiritually. I noticed a big change in how I view myself once I started making exercise a part of my routine, and when I started making prayer and my faith more of a priority in my life.
As a mom, (especially a mom of 2 little girls) I never want my kids to have a problem with their self image the way that I have. I want them to grow up to be confident in themselves, and to know how special they are.
Isn’t that how God wants me to see myself too?
