Happy Thursday! It has been a mix of feeling like a long week, but also I can’t believe it is Thursday already. I look forward to the weekends so when one finally comes along, it’s a relief, but I also don’t want it to go by too quickly.
I know I have said it before but I am not a winter person. Winter comes and my anxiety goes through the roof. January especially is hard. For me, it is the worst month of the year as far as weather goes. It seems like it is the month where it gets really cold (think negative temps) and we get the most amount of snow where we live.
This January is also when we moved! While exciting and a huge blessing for our growing family, it also added to the stress of the month. We were very fortunate and had many people come to help us move everything over a period of about 2 weeks (yes we moved ourselves!). The first weekend of which, we had a snow storm. Luckily, the snow held off for most of the moving day and we made progress. But it definitely caused a little bit of trouble and a delay in the process.
Stuck
I had one of my nightmares come true and got my car stuck in the snow on the drive over to the new house. Thankfully, it happened right by our old house and my husband came to help us get unstuck. I made it to the new house safely despite the fact that I had gotten a flat tire on the drive over. My guardian angel was working overtime that day. We got extremely lucky that one of my husband’s friends helping us move had a tire repair kit in his car and was able to fix it for us. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!
Stuck. That is the word of the month I choose to describe my January. January is the month following the return to schedules after the holidays and all the cold weather, and sickness that comes with it. The move is a huge blessing for my family, but it also means our house is a mess and it adds to the chaos of my day now. It will take months to get everything organized and make this house feel and look like our home. We have already put in a lot of work (I never realized how time consuming painting bedrooms was!).
January I felt stuck. Stuck in a bad attitude, stuck in isolation from not going anywhere due to fear of driving in snow, or wanting to unpack the house. My depression is also starting to get bad again. I came off my medication this pregnancy and was doing ok for a bit. But symptoms have slowly started coming back which has made everything more difficult. My kids are acting up probably because of the changes from the move and being cooped up inside but it also makes it hard when I have 4 screaming kids inside or at the doctors or anywhere we go. I feel worn out and then question what it’s going to be like when this baby comes along and whether or not I can handle it.
Getting unstuck
But one day I realized, is this what God is asking me to feel, or is it a temptation? Am I focusing on any of the good parts of motherhood, or am I stuck feeling sorry for myself? And yes, part of this is depression speaking, but how much of it is me not working on my own mindset?
One of the things that I work on in therapy is trying to control what thoughts go through my head and what actions to take when I feel stressed. Are the thoughts helping me or are they harmful? Am I working on getting better or am I making things worse for myself? I realized that I was stuck in a bad attitude. I let all the negative thoughts control my emotions and didn’t work on it. Isolating myself is a side effect of my depression, as well as loss of motivation for activities I usually love.
This past week I have been trying to force myself to get out of the house and go to things. I made it to the gym a few times and always feel better when I do. I made it out to my group today and am happy I did. I also try not to do too much. I had a bad day this week and called my husband so he would know. He was able to take care of the nighttime routine for me that night while I laid down for a bit to rest. I have been really trying to watch my thoughts and attitude towards my kids and appreciate more of the moments rather than just trying to survive. Sometimes it works, other times I struggle. But at least I’m making an effort. I am terrible at remembering to work on my breathing when I am stressed and I am trying to work on that too.
I wasn’t sure what I would end up writing today, and honestly haven’t felt worthy of sharing anything because I haven’t felt like I have been the best person recently. But I also felt called to write today, so I listened to that. I’m hoping that if you are reading this and are also struggling, whether it is due to mental health, the winter, or any other life circumstances, you know you’re not alone. And that it’s never too late to work on yourself.
