Happy Monday! Things here have been busy with preschool starting up again and creating new routines and adjusting to all the changes for our family. We have good days and bad days here (especially with depression, some days are great and other days not so much).
On days when things do not go the way I expect, it can be easy to go to the “what if” questions. “What if I had just had more patience with the kids” or “what if I could just get over my anxiety”, and the list can go on and on.
I remember this summer my sister and I went out during the kids’ naptime to go shopping and get a break before they woke up. During our car ride, she asked me if I ever wished that I had waited to have kids. At first I was a little taken aback by the question (it’s not really something I ever talked about with anyone, it’s kind of one of those subjects that I feel like people want to discuss but are too afraid of getting judged for their answer). But I answered. I think I replied with, “if I could guarantee that I would have had MY kids but later on, then yes, sometimes I do wish that I had taken more time before having kids”.
I feel like that kind of goes along with the question, “if you could go back in time and do it over again, would you do it the same way?”. And to be honest, sometimes I find myself wondering what life would have been like if we had waited to have kids after being married for a few years. Christian and I got married right after college, and soon after found out we were expecting Gabriel. Now 4.5 years later we have 4 kids and life looks very different. I am definitely thankful for my kids and cannot picture life without them, but every so often my mind wanders (especially on stressful days).
It has been difficult to connect with my friends from high school and college because most of them are not in the same phase of life as I am. I feel like I missed out on my twenties. I never got a chance to pursue a career, go out with friends after work, stay out late without worrying about having to get up early the next morning to take care of someone else all day. Would life have been a little less stressful if both of us had worked for a few years and saved up some money before having kids? Would our relationship be stronger since we would have had the time (and energy) to go out on dates and just spend a few years with each other before a baby came along? Would we have been able to travel places?
The problem with entertaining the “what if” questions is that it is leading you down a path towards bitterness, depression, and regret. The past is in the past, and what is done is done. You can look back at your life and wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently, but in the end is reflecting on that really doing you any good?
“What if we had waited a few years to have kids?”. I reflect on this question, but then remember why we decided to start our family when we did. Christian and I wanted to have our kids when we were younger so that we could be active with them and be able to keep up with them.
I also cannot forget to mention that it was God’s plan for us too; because let’s face it, we definitely did not plan to have 4 in 4 years! I still remember one day during our marriage prep when the priest who married us told us not to wait to have kids. Looking back at that now, I think that was sort of God’s way of hinting at our future!
Reflecting on our actions of the past is not all bad though. Sometimes it can be good to look back at our life and use moments we aren’t proud of or wish we could do over as a teaching point and a way to improve ourselves. We cannot re-do that particular time, but we can learn from it. Maybe something happens in our lives we are not happy about at the time, but then God uses it as a moment to show us how much progress we have made since that one time, or how that moment made us stronger. Reflecting on the past can be a great way to evaluate our lives. But reflecting on the “what ifs” is a way of not trusting in God’s plan for us and can be damaging to our mental health.
I know how blessed we are to have such a big family and am so grateful for my kids. Some days are hard and some days my mind might wander off to what life would be like without changing diapers all day. If I find myself wandering, I’ll try to offer up a prayer of thanksgiving for my family, and for patience. I’ll try to focus on all the positive aspects of my life (it is not hard to do when all the kids are giving you hugs!), and then keep living life one day at a time.
Life is a journey, and no one person’s journey is the same. I hope that one day I’ll be able to look back at the difficult moments of my life with gratitude, because they are the ones that made me stronger, and hopefully they will be the ones that grow me closer to God.
I hope you all have enjoyed the long weekend, and have a great start to your week!
What do you do when you find yourself asking a “what if” question?
