Elijah Dominic

I stared at the empty space on our wall where his picture would be, wondering what he would look like, yet also in disbelief that soon we would have another newborn. Those that have been following along with me here know that I suffered a miscarriage right before getting pregnant with Elijah. And while I was grieving the loss of my baby, whom we named Jesse Frances, I also knew that I wanted another baby, and Christian wanted one too.

Finding out I was pregnant

Once some time had passed, I decided to take a pregnancy test (one of the simple HCG ones) to make sure that it was negative after my miscarriage. It’s normal to have elevated levels and obtain a positive test for awhile after a miscarriage as your levels are coming down but not yet at 0, and on the off chance that I felt I needed to test for a possible pregnancy, I wanted to be sure that I got a positive due to a new pregnancy, and not residual from my miscarriage.

Soon after I started testing every day to see if we were lucky enough to get our rainbow. But everyday I received a negative test. I began to think that maybe it was just God’s plan that we would only have 4 kids. I had never suffered a miscarriage before and thought maybe that was His way of telling us that we were done. My husband even started to say that he wasn’t sure it was a good idea to try for another baby at the time, because we were trying to move into a bigger house that would accommodate our family and the timing wasn’t right. My heart sank when I heard him say that, but he did make a valid point. With each passing day and each new negative test, I started accepting the fact that maybe we were only meant to have 4 kids. And I started to be ok with that. So you can imagine my shock and excitement when one morning, when I took a pregnancy test, as had become a habit at that point, I saw a positive result.

With our most recent history, I wanted to make sure that this pregnancy would stick. I was very excited when I saw the positive pregnancy test but soon that excitement was filled with anxiety as I went into the doctor’s office to get my HCG levels checked to make sure they were rising the way they should. Everything looked great, and at my 8 week appointment we could even see baby moving around! The ultrasound technician called the baby a little gummy bear, and I remember seeing the excitement on the kids’ faces as we told them that I was having another baby.

While this pregnancy was medically easy (morning sickness and achiness aside), it wasn’t emotionally, and I would argue that it was probably the toughest pregnancy I have gone through. As the weeks went by in this pregnancy, I grew more distant and could feel my depression symptoms returning. I was not able to form a connection with the baby. I was almost in what you can say was a state of denial, even up until the point that I was in labor with him. It just didn’t seem real that we would have a newborn with us.

Of course, all of those feelings went away the second he was laid on my chest and started to cry. I was overcome with such joy on hearing him and seeing him that my eyes started to fill with tears. He was finally here! But that is the end of this story, and I want to take you through this whole pregnancy.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

Pregnancy after a loss is much more difficult than I imagined it would be. I had my moment of grieving after the miscarriage. I had somehow convinced myself that after the burial of our sweet Jesse, things would get back to normal and I would have the closure I needed. Needless to say, once I was home after the burial service, the world continued on, and I did not feel closure. Instead I felt shocked and angry that everything could just continue on as normal when I felt so broken.

But despite the grief and pain, I felt in my heart the longing for another child on earth with us. I knew that another baby wouldn’t replace the one that we lost, but instead would be a welcomed gift to our family. I expected the excitement that filled my heart when I found out we were going to have another baby. What I didn’t expect was all the emotions I would experience this pregnancy as a result of my miscarriage. Feelings of joy overcame my feelings of grief when I first found out I was pregnant again; however, as those initial feelings of joy died down and reality set in with the morning sickness, grief mixed with anxiety started coming back in waves.

Mixed emotions

This pregnancy also brought out feelings of guilt. If I felt excited for this baby that we would not have if Jesse had lived, does that mean I dishonor Jesse’s memory? But by grieving for Jesse, I was pulling myself away from this baby and failing to form a connection with him, so more feelings of guilt emerged. I found myself so disconnected at the end, that I’d have to lie when people asked me if I was excited to meet baby soon. While I was definitely ready to not be pregnant anymore, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a newborn again, because it just didn’t seem like we were going to have one. It didn’t feel real.

I not only found myself overcome with grief and guilt, but also with anger. Why was one of my babies set to die while the other was set to live and be in our lives? Why couldn’t I have both of my babies on earth with me?

God’s gentle reminders

I may never know the answer to that question, but I realize now that we were meant to have Jesse watching over us in heaven, while we were meant to have Elijah here with us on Earth. And God sent me gentle reminders throughout my pregnancy with Elijah to let me know that He was and is with me through this, and everything is working out according to His plan.

One of the ways God has been communicating with me since Jesse has passed is with cardinals. Cardinals are said to be the birds that connect you to the ones that you lost. So if you see a cardinal, it is said to be someone from heaven reaching out to you. Ever since we lost Jesse, I started to see cardinals here. I have never seen one in Iowa before. I would see them all the time where I grew up, but never since I moved out here in the Midwest. All of sudden I started seeing cardinals here. Not every day. Not all the time. But I’d see them. And I knew that was God’s way of communicating with me that Jesse was ok.

Deciding on a name

Throughout this pregnancy I questioned God’s timing. Why did I get pregnant with Jesse, lose him/her, and immediately get pregnant with Elijah? With this timing, it meant that Jesse had to die so that Elijah could exist. And I just couldn’t wrap my head around why it had to be this way. I still don’t understand why Jesse died, but I know that Elijah was meant to be. I got little signs from God that Elijah coming to our family is a part of His plan. We found out that we were having a boy at the 20 week anatomy scan. This would be our 2nd boy (after 3 girls in a row!), so I didn’t expect it to be so hard to come up with a name. I shared names that I liked with Christian, and we talked about a few that we were thinking about but just didn’t feel right. So I did what we’ve done in the past and pulled up a list of biblical names for boys and started running through the list. When we got to the name Elijah, we both agreed that we liked it, though I wasn’t sure if it was the one just yet (I don’t like choosing names that are super popular at the time, and I noticed that Elijah was one of the most popular baby boy names listed), but Christian assured me that he didn’t know any Elijah’s, and I haven’t heard any baby boys with that name in our area, and it was really the only name we agreed on, so we decided then and there.

The next day was a Sunday, and at mass, the gospel reading for the week was the story of the Transfiguration, where Jesus, Peter, James, and John were on the mountain when Moses and Elijah appeared next to Jesus. I couldn’t believe it. Just the day before we agreed on the name Elijah (after trying to come up with names for a long time), and now the prophet he will be named after is in THIS week’s gospel reading? I took that as a sign from God that this baby was meant to be, and that we chose the right name for him. God has great plans for Elijah. I just know it.

The middle name, Dominic, took some time to come up with as well. We didn’t agree on any names for the middle name, so the biblical list came out yet again and we started running through all the names with Elijah being used as the first name. When we tried out the name Dominic, we both liked it, and that became the middle name. I vaguely knew that there was a Saint Dominic as well, and started to look up his history and story. I still have more to learn about him, but from what I have read, I believe he is attributed with the spread of the Rosary. Those of you that have been following along here know that I have a love of this prayer, so it seemed like an appropriate name.

Listening to God’s whispers

That’s not the only time God communicated this way to me, though. There was one other time that a story of Elijah the prophet came up during my pregnancy after we had decided on the name Elijah. It was during one of my faith and friendship meetings. One of the women who was leading us in a study opened up the meeting by reading a passage from the bible about Elijah. It was from 1 Kings 19: 1-18, where Elijah was afraid and depressed. It talks about how there was strong wind, an earthquake and fire. But then there was a whisper, and that whisper is where Elijah found God. This story stuck out to me not only because it was about Elijah (I don’t remember hearing this one before) but because of what Elijah experienced. It felt like the spiritual journey that I had been going through. I had been going through my own storms, so to speak, from my miscarriage, depression and grief and all the while struggling to feel God’s presence as fully as I had in the past. But it was in all the little “whispers” where I found God communicating with me, whether it was with cardinals or timing of bible passages confirming that He was here all along, and His plan was playing out the way it was meant to be.

God provides

God has always provided for my family. We have had our fair share of hard times- we have had periods of time where we struggled financially, were separated from loved ones, or had periods of time where several family members had poor health. But in all those trying times, we somehow managed to survive and come out at the other end of the tunnel better for the struggles we endured. When we had financial struggles, we were blessed with new job opportunities, affordable housing, friends that brought meals and supplies to us. During trying health times we had family support to get us through and provide childcare. We have had great medical staff. During times of separation we also had lots of support from friends and family, and have access to technology that made communication easy. God has always provided for us, whether it was by placing people in our lives that helped us during difficult times, or putting opportunities in our lap when we needed them.

The beginning of this year was no different. We were in a tight spot, literally (living in a 3 bedroom duplex with 4 kids, 1 dog, another baby on the way with less than desirable living conditions), and financially. We started looking for houses in the fall and found a wonderful 5 bedroom house in our price range. Everything worked out and we moved in the new house in January. But slowly the cost of the new mortgage and other bills all added up, and if we didn’t find a solution soon our savings would be out. Christian started applying to jobs with no luck at first, but finally got an offer! The income was exactly what we needed to be financially stable with a new house and baby on the way, and the benefits were great as well. He started the new job in April (and he gets to work from home-big bonus!). He also gets paternity leave with this job, but he had to work there for 3 months before this benefit applies. Which put us at July 4th. My due date was July 10th. No pressure.

I was worried towards the end of my pregnancy that baby would come too early, and Christian wouldn’t get his paternity leave. He is entitled to up to 12 weeks paid leave if I made it to the 4th, so it would be a lot of time and help at risk if I gave birth too early. I especially got worried when I started having time-able contractions on Father’s day. (Side note- it turns out that spending hours in the kitchen on your feet baking with fresh strawberries that you got the day before at a farm so they won’t go to waste, can give you contractions. I’m not talking about baking 1 thing with them. I mean making strawberry biscuits, strawberry butter, strawberry jam and strawberry smoothies).

But God provided in this way for us too. Once I laid down the contractions stopped, and I ended up making it until July 11th, one day after my due date.

The end of pregnancy

At the end of my pregnancy I started going for walks. Partly to escape the noisy house and get some time to myself, but also to try to start labor towards the very end. I honestly thought that I would have him before my due date, but with each day that passed and no signs of him coming, I grew more desperate and impatient. But I also grew more nervous. Was I ready to do this? Would I recognize labor this time? (I had a very fast labor with Shiloh). I’d walk further each time hoping that maybe extra distance is what I’d need to get some contractions starting. But each night as nothing started or the contractions I had died down, I grew frustrated. I really was hoping for one more labor starting naturally, but my induction date was approaching quickly. As I was out for a walk the day before my induction, I saw a cardinal. And I knew, I was ready and that baby would come the next day after I was induced.

I know there is a division of thought on induction and whether or not it is really necessary. I felt a lot of pressure to try to go into labor on my own. But after a therapy session and talking through the trauma I had experience after Shiloh’s fast delivery, I had come to peace with the idea of being induced again to make sure I would get the birth experience I wanted this time, and not only get my rainbow baby, but a “rainbow birth” as my therapist referred to it.

I was still disappointed I made it to induction day, but later realized it was God’s intention that I did. I got the birth experience I longed for and had the best nurse who listened to my concerns and past history and made sure I was taken care of. I also had wonderful nurses once Elijah and I got moved into our room in the maternity ward. One of them had remembered me from when I was there after giving birth to one of my daughters, and even came back the next day to check on me and see how I was even though she was not the assigned nurse to my room.

Elijah is here!

Elijah was born on July 11th at 7:14pm. He ended up being our smallest baby at 6lbs 15.5 oz even though he was a day overdue. I can’t describe the amount of relief and love I felt when I saw him for the first time and he was placed on my chest. All my feelings of numbness and disconnect faded. My rainbow baby is finally here. There really is a rainbow after a long storm. And let me tell you, it’s beautiful.

It has been so heartwarming to see all of our kids welcome Elijah into our home and build a relationship with him. The older 3 all ask to hold him and feed him, and Shiloh gets so excited when she sees him and blows him kisses.

It was even more heartwarming to finally add his picture to that empty spot on the wall I had stared at for months wondering what he would look like. Our baby is here. And he is perfect.