“Take the first exit.”
“Where do I turn?”
“The first right turn.”
“But WHERE?!”
“Right here!”
Once on the exit ramp, our oldest daughter Elizabeth calmed down and said “I just didn’t know what you meant.” Kati replied, “You didn’t know what ‘first’ meant?” And she abashedly said, “Oh.”
Clearly this driving excursion for the first time on the Beltway hit our 15 year-old’s prefrontal cortex in a big way. Emotions run high and logical thinking takes a few extra moments. The perceived danger is over and the cerebrum takes control again.
We have found teaching our oldest child to drive a perfect example of doing small things with great love. From days in a large, empty parking lot, roasting in a van with bad air conditioning, to taking her first drive onto an interstate in rural Indiana, and now to navigating Washington DC traffic, there are so many moments of her own self-doubt, our own fears and turning trust over to her (and even more to her guardian angel), and moments of victory to celebrate each new level of skill and movement towards independence.
It is similar to when we helped her learn to walk. Back then, Jim took both of Elizabeth’s hands in his and cheered her “stomping time!”, next one of us would offer one hand as she walked beside us, finally sitting with Jim’s and Kati’s feet touching on the floor and “passing Elizabeth” as she took two wobbling steps from parent-to-parent. We cheered when she fell, because we knew it would give her confidence to stand back up and to try again. We celebrated each small victory that showed her on the way to walking.
Now the skill is even more complicated and the consequences even more daunting. And yet she’s ready for it. We just need to teach her with patience and love. How we project confidence and calm is incredibly important for how she envisions herself as a driver. Kati leaves her right foot casually on the right side of her foot space and just clenches her toes when she would rather be braking or accelerating, but can only tell the new driver to do it. Kati doesn’t want Elizabeth to see a reaction like she’d rather be in control of the car. When giving Elizabeth the chance to drive, we know the trip will take a little longer to get where we need to be, so we plan ahead and all become a little more patient on the road.
When introducing Elizabeth to a new skill, we have to say what she’ll do with optimism. She was initially so intimidated to be on the road with other moving cars, but a few times out she realized the other drivers don’t think it’s a big game of bumper cars either. When Jim took her night driving for the first time, Elizabeth somehow turned on the bright lights by accident. She felt so guilty for hurting someone else’s eyes and got flustered by not knowing how to turn off the lights. Jim calmly convinced her to settle down, to find a safe place to park, and then to look at the buttons and sticks to see which one would work. Sometimes, Elizabeth would balk at the idea of trying a new level of driving, but we would gently but firmly tell her that it was time and she was ready and that we’d talk her through it. She has learned to meet unknown situations head on and already has changed her attitude to accepting a new challenge with optimism.
Learning to drive is also an opportunity to build resilience and to adopt constructive criticism. No one just starts driving perfectly; it takes a lot of coaching and insight and practice to get it down. There are so many things to think of at once that it is actually helpful to have a passenger who can look out for some of those things while she’s still learning to do the basics that more experienced drivers don’t need to think about anymore. The corrections are like explaining how when you drift over the line, don’t jerk the car back but gently re-guide it to where you want to be. That’s good advice for guiding a car and guiding a child, no matter her age nor what you’re teaching her. Hopefully while she learns how to guide a car safely from point A to B, she learns even more that we love her and want to empower her as she grows into the amazing person God created her to be. We just do it one step at a time.
