Desiring Motherhood
The weekend my husband went to his National Guard drill for the first time was lonely. We had just moved into our new apartment together after living at his grandmother’s house for a month as we hunted for jobs and a place to live. We were in a new city and only had one car, so I was stuck at the apartment for the weekend. I remember imagining how great it would be to have a house full of kids so that I would never be alone and without something to do during those drill weekends.
Answered Prayers
Well, that dream of mine came true; 6.5 years later and we have 5 kids and 2 dogs to keep me company. And they do more than that, they also keep me very busy! This last weekend was another one when my husband was away. Thankfully we have another vehicle now, so I was able to take the kids to school, activities, and church.
Solo parenting on drill weekends is hard. It’s also hard for the kids to go for several days without seeing their dad. During the difficult moments throughout the weekend, I think back to that past time when it was just me. At first, I think of how nice it would be to have that time all to myself without having to break up arguments, clean up messes, do a ton of laundry, etc.
But then I start thinking about how blessed we are to have the family that we have now. I never could have imagined how great life would be. And let me be clear about something; I’m not saying it’s easy. We are in the thick of it right now with 5 little kids. Most days are challenging, and I also feel like I’m failing a lot of the time.
My Morning Meditation
But I get the opportunity to have these moments with my kids. No matter how difficult it is, I wouldn’t ever change it. As I was getting ready for the day this morning, I was thinking about my to-do list. One of the items is paying an enrollment fee for Theresa’s preschool next year. Then it hit me. She is going to a full-day 3-year-old preschool program next year. Rebecca will also be going to a full-day kindergarten program and Gabriel will be in 1st grade. I’m only going to have 2 kids at home! And then my mind flashed forward to the following year when Shiloh would be leaving to go to school. I’ll only be left with Elijah at home.
I started thinking about how I’m slowly starting to move toward the next phase of motherhood. I won’t be the mom with all the little kids anymore. I’ll be the mom with older kids in school and one little guy at home. There won’t be a crib in my bedroom anymore (unless God has His own plans for us) and my kids will slowly start getting more independent.
It’s already starting to happen, a little bit at a time. Each of my kids is starting to create their own path. Gabriel has his whole other world at school that I’ll get little glimpses of when he decides to share it with me at home. Rebecca has her own world at preschool and is starting to let go of my hand further away from the preschool door so she can go up to it on her own. Theresa tried getting onto Gabriel’s school bus and cried when her preschool tour was over because she wanted to stay. Shiloh climbs into the back of the car now to try to sit with her siblings. Elijah is beginning to army crawl toward toys.
In the stressful moments, I’ve dreamed of easier days when my kids won’t need me to do as much for them, but now that those days are coming, I’m not ready for them! I want my kids to need me. I dread the day that I come downstairs and am no longer greeted with a happy, “Mommy!” and smiles and hugs. I know that it’s part of my job to get my kids to the point where they can take care of themselves so they can go off into the world and have their own adventures. But I wish I could keep them with me longer.
Meditating on Mary’s Motherhood
I wonder if Mary had these same thoughts as she was raising Jesus, knowing what His future held for Him. Did she wish she could stop time? Did she have these glimpses of Him getting further away from her as He started walking, helping Joseph with his work, and when He was found in the temple preaching after being lost for 3 days?
It’s a difficult reminder that our kids are not our own to keep. Each is a gift from God placed in our care for a little while.
Cherish the Present Moment
I know I am getting all sentimental when I still truly am in the thick of life with my littles. But I also think that I needed this reminder from God today to cherish these moments of their young childhood, especially after a stressful weekend of solo parenting the kids. I’m going to hug a little tighter, love a lot harder, and thank God for the moments that I get to have with my children. Because I know that all too soon, they’ll be gone and I’ll find myself the mom of teenagers, and goodness knows what this house will be like then. But I do know that I will do my best to make it filled with lots of love, and I should still have lots of company during the weekends when my husband is off at drill.
