Happy Palm Sunday! I can’t believe that Holy Week is already here. I feel unprepared and there is so much I want to do this week. I wanted to write this post today to give everyone an update on my journey.
If you have been following along, then you know I’ve had some struggles during my pregnancy with Shiloh that have continued on postpartum. I started seeing a therapist while I was pregnant for anxiety and depression and have continued with it still. Once I had Shiloh, I started medication to further help my anxiety and depression.
Defeat
I wish this could be a post that I could share my success story about overcoming postpartum depression and getting off medication, but it’s not going to be like that today.
One of the reasons I am sharing my journey is so that other women feel comfortable sharing their journeys with postpartum depression. And I want to make sure my viewpoint is realistic. I started off on a low dose of antidepressants after I had Shiloh. And for a little bit, it helped. But then I noticed that it didn’t seem to help as much as I thought. I started feeling worse again, and so I talked to my therapist and called my doctor and got a dosage increase that proved to be the right amount for me to start feeling like myself again.
These past few months I’ve been feeling a lot better; pretty much like my usual self! Every now and then I have bad days, and I still have some moments where the noise becomes overwhelming and I use techniques to overcome it. But mostly, I felt great.
I had a follow up with my doctor, who told me to try to decrease the medication after a few weeks and if I felt ok, then to continue with the lower dosage for another few months. My first day decreasing the dosage was Friday.
3 days ago. It’s only been 3 days since I reduced the amount and I already feel myself spiraling back to how I was at the beginning. The anxiety. The rage (that’s how my depression presents itself). Lack of patience. Shortness with everyone. Feeling uneasy, not sure if I want to cry or yell. Shaky.
I feel defeated. It’s only been 3 days and I’m already a mess.
I could finally start seeing the finish line. I could start seeing myself in my old life, where I didn’t have to rely on medication to feel normal again.
I thought I was getting better. I thought I was improving. And it turns out, it was just the medication doing it’s job.
Acceptance
Today was not great. It was not my best day as a mom. It was not my best day for my mental health.
But I also realized, I’m not at the point where I can decrease my medication yet. And it’s ok.
Yes, I’m disappointed. But I’m also tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not in control of my emotions. The anger gets the best of me and it’s not fair to the kids. And it’s not fair to me. I’m tired of feeling like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde throughout the day.
So I am putting my mental health in front of my pride. Tomorrow I am going back to the dosage that has worked for me these past months. I don’t want to keep putting it off and keep trying to see if it will get better while having bad day after bad day. It’s only been 3 days and I’m mentally spent.
I know I’ll get there one day. But I’m not ready for it yet. And that’s ok. I tried, and I learned it’s not the time yet.
More updates to come
I’ll keep sharing updates of my journey. It’s been almost 5 months since Shiloh has been born which is hard to believe! But at the same time, 5 months is not that long to expect to be completely cured from postpartum depression- especially when it can still present itself in women up to a year after having a baby.
I also want to add, I am not writing this to worry anyone- I’m doing ok! And I’m actually grateful that I have experienced what it is like for me without as much of the medication, because now I know that I still have some recovery to do. I felt so good I was honestly wondering how long I should stay on it, and now I know that it was because of it that I felt better.
It’s been a cross for me to carry this past year, among some others, and I’m trying to use the opportunity to grow closer to God during my struggles and to share my experiences with others who may be going through the same thing so they know they are not alone.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers! I appreciate all of them.
I hope you all have a wonderful Holy Week, and I will be back on Friday for Guest #2 🙂
