If you have been following along my blog posts, then you know that I have anxiety and depression that started during my pregnancy with Shiloh and continued on after she was born. Therapy has been helping and so has medication. However, there are still triggers that can cause my depression symptoms to take over, such as irritability and lack of patience. During those times when I’m already irritable, everything around me suddenly becomes really loud which makes it so much worse. Some days are great, and others are hard. This week in particular has felt very busy and stressful. On Tuesday I was having a particular bad day, and during the kids’ naptime, I sat down and wrote in my prayer journal.
Tuesdays are typically days that the sorrowful mysteries are prayed. That morning I missed most of the live rosary with @manyhailmarysatatime, but it made on time to catch the last decade of the rosary, the fifth sorrowful mystery, the Crucifixion. As I sat down to spend some quiet time and journal, I started reflecting on my struggles with depression, and lack of patience and started relating them to how Jesus must have felt while he was carrying the cross and died for our sins.
I have been very short with the kids the past few days, and that is not what I want. Sometimes the noise just gets to me and instead of embracing the chaos and accepting it, I have been fighting it which makes things worse.
And then I think of Jesus accepting his cross. So many people were laughing at Him, spitting at him, and mocking him. He was in pain, and I can only imagine how loud everything around him was and how all the pain and noise must have blurred into each other to create total chaos in his mind, as well as stress and pain in his heart. But despite all the mixed emotions, fears, and chaos, he took his cross, and walked with it to his death, all because he loves us.
So I too, must learn how to parent with patience and have perseverance to get through all the noise and chaos throughout the day. I’ll do it for my kids because I love them and they deserve a mom who will be patient with them. And when I stumble and fall, I’ll offer up a prayer for forgiveness, and patience, and get up and try again.
One thing I have been trying to do is to find God in the everyday moments. I find Him in Shiloh’s sweet smile, Rebecca’s dancing, Theresa’s hugs, and Gabriel’s laughter and sense of humor. I also find him in Nature. When I take Snowy outside at night, I look up at the clear night sky, with all the stars and moon shining down and am in awe by the beauty God created for us. In the cold mornings when snow is on the ground, I go outside (once again with Snowy) and witness the peaceful quiet snow brings, and feel God’s presence.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
What cross are you currently carrying? How/where do you find God every day?
