Jesse Frances Nott- 9/24/21

Pregnancy #5

We found out about a month ago that we were expecting our 5th baby. We were not planning on another one yet, but were so excited when we found out. I have always wanted 5 kids (I am the second oldest of 5 kids). When we found out we used a pregnancy calculator and figured that the baby would be due around April 21.

Everything about this pregnancy required a lot of patience. The first pregnancy test I took was when I suspected I could be pregnant, but the results weren’t conclusive. We thought we saw a very light 2nd line and decided to wait another 2 days to test again. The next test was darker, and the third one was definitely a positive. So I called the doctor and made my appointment for September 13.

Pregnancy symptoms started early for me. I become very fatigued, and nausea came and went throughout the day. The cravings came on all at once too. This baby wanted meat. Fried chicken especially. Everything seemed to be going great and nothing seemed abnormal.

The day I learned my pregnancy was in danger

Before I knew it, September 13 was here, and I was ready to finally see the baby on the ultrasound. The whole way to the doctor’s office though, I had this anxiety that would not leave. When I finally got called back, the technician first tried an abdominal ultrasound, but couldn’t seen anything very well and had to switch methods. Once that happened my anxiety got worse. When the image was pulled up, I was getting nervous because I could not see the baby very well either. I was told that the baby was measuring smaller than anticipated based on the dates I gave. I had gone in expecting to be 8.5 weeks along, but the baby was measuring 2 weeks behind, and no heartbeat was detected.

I was then told that the pregnancy had a 50/50 chance of being viable, and I would have a better understanding of what was going on in a follow-up ultrasound in 7-10 days. I went home in shock, told my husband what happened, and went downstairs to be alone.

The following week

That week tested my patience. Every day I tried to remain hopeful and prayed for the baby. We shared the news with our families so that they knew what was going on, and it also meant more prayers were being said for the baby. If it were not for the ultrasound I had on the 13th, I would have had no idea that anything was wrong. I didn’t have any signs of a miscarriage and still had pregnancy symptoms. Then on Sunday, I started spotting. It wasn’t enough to go to the ER, but it scared me. My husband was at military drill, but was able to come home early when he found out what was going on.

The spotting only lasted for a few hours, then stopped, so I thought that I was in the clear and hoped it was just a random occurrence. I still called my doctor the next morning to see if I could come in earlier (my appointment was not until Wednesday). But since there was no reason for them to be concerned since the spotting had stopped, they told me it was okay to wait until Wednesday but to call back if I had any more bleeding.

Much to my disappointment, I started spotting again that afternoon and called back. This time my doctor offered to see me at the end of the day. I was so nervous but also ready to find out what was going on. I prayed the flying novena on the drive to the doctor’s office, and then started to pray the Rosary while I was in the waiting room.

When I heard my name being called, I followed the nurse and really hoped for some good news. But once the ultrasound started and I still could not see the baby very well, I pretty much knew. The technician told me that the baby did not grow at all since the last ultrasound and there was still no heartbeat.

My heart sank. But at least I had my answer. And I was happy that I had another chance to request a picture of the baby before it was too late. I had forgotten to ask for one at my last ultrasound and was worried that I wouldn’t get another chance.

Placing Jesse in Mary’s Heavenly Care

As soon as I heard the words that the technician told me, I pictured Mary and handed my baby to her, and asked her to take care of him/her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but at least I know that the baby is in the best care possible with his/her heavenly mother.

The Miscarriage

I let my husband know that I most likely miscarried the baby. The baby was measuring too small for the doctor to formally diagnose a miscarriage (The baby has to measure a certain size without a heartbeat to be diagnosed as a miscarriage) but going by the fact that no change was seen in a week, we all knew that is the direction this pregnancy was heading.

I was given several options of what to do next, but chose to let everything happen naturally. This was the best choice for me. The drive home I was still in shock, and I went downstairs to be alone.

I found out that my pregnancy was resulting in a miscarriage on Monday, September 20th. I kept waiting for it to happen, and obviously experienced so many emotions this past week. One of the toughest things this pregnancy challenged me with is patience. And that includes waiting for the miscarriage to officially happen. I officially miscarried yesterday, Friday September 24th.

We were able to collect the baby’s remains so that we can have a burial service for Jesse Frances. My in-laws have been such a great help to us and have been the ones who are organizing the internment for Jesse at Our Lady of Guadeloupe Shrine in La Crosse, WI. I feel so at peace knowing that our baby will have a resting place, and it is at a shrine that honors Our Lady of Guadeloupe, which is who I pictured handing Jesse off to when I got the news that I miscarried.

How I felt/ My emotions through everything

Honestly, this has been such a difficult experience and I have had so many emotions these past few weeks. I’ve felt empty, broken, guilty, anger, impatient, sadness, pain. One moment I think I can get through this, and the next moment the pain comes back full force again and all I can do is lie down.

When I found out the baby was only measuring about 6ish weeks, I immediately tried to think of what I was doing at that time. Did I do something to cause this? Could this have been avoided? Is this my fault for not praying enough? Is it my fault for being so angry at my last unplanned pregnancy? Did I jinx it by already buying maternity clothes and things for the baby so early (at this stage in grief there is no logic).

I know I am supposed to surrender to God’s plan, and it’s His plan and not mine, but why did he have to take Jesse so soon?! 2021 has been such a difficult year for me. It started with my husband leaving for 7 months for military training on January 2nd. I was in survival mode taking care of all 4 kids by myself while also trying to manage my depression. We have had water problems in our house. Then I got pregnant and was so excited. Only to find out that I miscarried. Why did God give me so many crosses to bear this year?

To be honest, I was angry with God. And confused. And hurt. I know He is with me through this and has a plan, but I really wish that sometimes I can know the end result. I know that’s not how faith works though. And I am really trying to process my grief and grow in my faith. It will just take some time to heal.

Isolation

I feel like miscarriage is something you only really understand if you have personally gone through it yourself. I’ve had family members who have gone through one, but never truly understand the pain they went through until it happened to me. It is difficult right now for me to see pregnancy announcements, or newborn clothes/items knowing that it isn’t in our near future anymore. I just keep thinking, “it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

I catch myself putting my hand over my stomach, and realize there is no baby there. A part of me is gone. Even with all the community support, I still feel so isolated. Miscarriage is isolating. When I officially miscarried, I was by myself in the bathroom. I had labor pains like I had experienced with Shiloh. But I never got to kiss my baby afterwards. I immediately had to say goodbye. I was not prepared for the pain to be that bad.

I reached out to friends and family to let them know what was going on and to ask for prayers. But I did not go out anywhere while I was waiting to miscarry. I stayed at home. For me, it was a safe place to be where I wouldn’t have to socialize with anyone or worry that it could happen when I was out of the house. That is another way it caused isolation for me. But that is just the way I respond to anxiety/depression as well.

Community

Our community of family and friends has been so kind and understanding. From offering up prayers, reaching out to see if we needed anything, and bringing us meals. We are so grateful for everyone who has taken the time to think of us and help us during this difficult time.

Hope

Not only was this a test of my patience, but also a test of remaining hopeful during challenging times. I just wrote about the virtue of hope on a reflection of the second Glorious Mystery, The Ascension for Motherhood Through the Mysteries and find it ironic that I was challenged to have hope during these past few weeks. It really became a “practice what you preach” exercise for me.

After first receiving the news that all might not be okay on the 13th, I found myself in a constant state of despair and worry. Then one day as I was picking up toys my kids left on the floor, I happened to glance down at the name on a tag of a prayer bear. The bear’s name was hope. At that moment, my heart flooded with peace, and I thought, “Ok, God. I’ll keep hoping.”

I couldn’t help but think of that moment when I found out that I was having a miscarriage a week later. Why was God trying to get me to hope when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted? It was after talking with my sister that I understood the message He was trying to tell me.

She told me something that one of her friends told her. “Hope doesn’t mean that things will work out any particular way, but that God will be there no matter what to help you through it.”

When I saw the word “hope” on the tag of the bear, I think God was trying to tell me that He is with me in this pain. And when I think of that, I always think of the story, “Footprints in the Sand.” Knowing I am not alone in this pain, and that God is with me gives me the hope I need to know that things will get better. My life is forever changed but God is constant.

The Name

When I first found out that my pregnancy was in danger, I decided that I really wanted to name the baby. Once we found out that I would most likely miscarry, my husband and I started coming up with neutral gender names since the baby was still too little to know the gender. We decided to have one name as the typical male spelling (Jesse) and the other name as the typical female spelling (Frances).

This whole pregnancy the name Frances had been on my heart. I really liked the name, and knew that it could go either way depending on the spelling. I also thought that it was meant to be since Padre Pio’s feast day was the day before I miscarried, and his birthname was Francesco.

We both liked the name Jesse and agreed on it right away. I looked up the meaning of the name, and found out that it means “gift”. I thought it was perfect.

Our Gift

Despite all the pain of not being able to meet Jesse Frances in person, this baby truly was a gift from God.

Jesse Frances, from the moment we knew about you, we loved you! We were so ready to welcome you into our home, hold you in our arms, rock you to sleep and kiss your beautiful head. So many people loved you and were praying for you! I will work hard to earn my way to heaven so that I can be reunited with you. Please watch over us, and know that I will always think of you, miss you, and love you. I am so happy that God chose me to be your mommy.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand why God decided for you to go home to heaven so soon. But I like to think that He knew how much your life would impact the world of those around you. Your life gave so many people joy and resulted in so many prayers!

You will always be our 5th baby!

Saying Goodbye

We are planning to have a burial service for Jesse Frances on Friday, October 1st, at Our Lady of Guadeloupe Shrine in La Crosse, WI. We appreciate all prayers for our family!

Saint Jesse Frances Nott, pray for us!