What is my purpose in life? Is it to be a stay at home mom, who makes sure the kids are taken care of every day? Is that my only identity? Why do I feel like I am destined for more than that? Why do I feel like being a mom just isn’t enough some days?
I have talked to people and read so many posts about women, particularly those that stay at home, who are wondering if they are doing what they were born to do. I know many of us, myself included, feel like we don’t have a separate identity anymore. When I was working I had something that was all of my own. I had a separate world for a few hours a day, and added on to who I was. I was no longer just Michelle, stay at home mom of two kids, a wife, daughter, sister. I was also a part time working mom who was an assistant preschool teacher, and had the best of both worlds as a parent and an employee. I loved it. Then life happened and I was blessed with my youngest, Theresa. The cost of daycare was not worth it, so I decided to stay at home with the kids. Now, I’m Michelle, stay at home mom of three, and some days, I feel lost.
When you work, you usually have goals to meet, and have standards to follow, and a lot of times you can get recognized for those tasks. As a stay at home parent, what are my standards? How am I measured? Is it by the amount of housework that gets done during the day? How well the kids behaved that day? How much screen time they got? If the kids ate a healthy meal? Sometimes, getting caught up in all these different roles while being stuck in the house can seem so overwhelming and unimportant.
I attended college for four years and graduated with a degree in Health Sciences. Every month I see the bill come out of our account to go to pay towards my college loans. The loans that paid for me to get a degree that I’m not currently using. This can be frustrating for me some days. I love my kids and love that I am able to stay at home with them and watch them grow, but I also miss my independence. I love to learn. I enjoyed going to my classes and learning new information that was fascinating to me. Now, I am lucky to get some time all to myself to be able to just sit down and read a book without getting interrupted.
One of the things that I pray for daily is to know what God’s purpose for me is. I want to know if I’m already fulfilling it by being at home with the kids, or if I am destined to help in another way. This year for Lent, I am participating in the Hail 15 Program, and one of the daily challenges is to have two fifteen minute silent periods during the day to listen and meditate on God. I admit, it can be hard for me to get these silent periods into my day with little ones running around (they are also early risers). However, one of the times I am able to get some quiet is on my car ride home from the gym. One night, I was praying to God during this car ride, asking him what my purpose is and to know his will for me, when I started thinking about Psalm 139: 13 “For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” This is the image that came to my mind, and the words that followed:
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| Excuse the poor artistic abilities |
I pictured God making me, saying who I was, but not being able to know the rest of the sentence. Then the words, “As long as you trust me and know me, you will be okay” came to my mind, and I thought about those words the rest of the way home.
