Last summer I went to confession for the first time in a very long time. I scheduled it with a priest I knew so I couldn’t find an excuse to put it off longer. I was so nervous beforehand. I usually do not choose to go face to face and I also usually do not choose to go to a priest that knows who I am. I know that’s not the best thing to worry about when going to confession, but for me, my anxiety is already high, and I think of so many different things that could happen.
But I knew that I had to go. I felt God calling me to come back to Him. I had dreams where my dad told me that it was time to go to confession (he was usually the one who encouraged us all to go regularly growing up). I knew that these dreams were the Holy Spirit trying to nudge me to go repent. But I kept putting it off until finally I had enough of feeling guilty and bad about myself. I finally got up the courage and went. And wow, did I feel so much better! I really felt God talking to me from the words of the priest! And I felt the wonderful gift of His mercy flooding my soul.
Afterwards I sat in church for a little bit to say my penance, and I felt at peace. I kept thinking, “I really need to go to confession more often”.
Valentine’s day this year was my first time going to mass in person in a long time. My family had been doing virtual due to personal circumstances. I had the opportunity to go to mass by myself that day, and the night before I thought that maybe after mass I should try to find the priest and see if he could hear my confession since I actually had an opportunity to go. The next day at church, the deacon gave the homily. And guess what he spoke about? The sacrament of Reconciliation. “Okay, God, I get it! I know you want me to go”. So did I go to confession? No. I made an excuse that I didn’t see the priest and left without really trying. “I can always go another time”.
Fast forward to Friday night. It had been way too long since I had gone. I was not sure how the night would go. I have never been to a praise and worship adoration before. I went inside thinking that I will at least get some time with God, but also trying to persuade myself that if I didn’t actually make it to confession it was okay.
And let me tell you, the devil was really trying to keep me away from God’s grace. At the beginning of the adoration service, I realized I forgot to turn off the lights in my car, and that worry took over my brain until I ran outside to make sure that the lights were off (they were) and that the battery was ok (it was). So I went back inside, mostly relieved, and a little embarrassed for leaving right away and coming back inside again. But I came back. And the praise and worship was beautiful. So many songs that spoke to my heart while I was able to gaze at the Eucharist.
Then I saw a few people start to go inside a room, and then come out a little later. I realized that confession started. “Ok, I’ll just keep an eye on the line and see how it goes”. Slowly more people started to make their way over. So I decided to once again get up out of my seat, and I headed over to wait in line. That’s really when my nerves kicked in. The bishop was at this service and got up to speak. And I’m sorry to say that I really don’t remember his talk, because I was so nervous waiting in line, reflecting on what I was going to say, and hoping that I would have a good experience (I’ve had some not so great experiences in confession in the past).
Another priest had come so now the line was moving quicker. Next thing I know, both people came out of the confessional at once. I started to wait (more like procrastinate) for the priest that I was familiar with from mass (he also had the confessional in a private room). But then the person who had just left the confessional let me know that there was another priest right by the tabernacle. No more excuses for me. Time to be humble, brave, and pray for forgiveness.
I don’t know if it was the presence of the Eucharist in adoration, or the fact that the confessional was right by the tabernacle, but I just felt my heart pour out all the things I was nervous to say. And I once again felt God talking to me from the priest’s words. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. God’s mercy is such a blessing!
The thing I need to remember is that God always is willing to forgive us, but we have to say “I’m sorry” first. And sometimes that is easier said that done. The devil tries to find different ways to persuade us that we’re all good people, despite our mistakes, and will do his best to keep us away from the sacrament of Reconciliation. For me, that looks like using my anxiety against me.
Being brave is not something I have ever been good at. I tend to think of the worst case scenarios, and get all worked up. I need time to process and prepare myself. I think that’s why writing appeals to me- I can take my time and edit my work.
When I was little, and I got in trouble for doing something, I was not great at apologizing in person. Instead, I would take some space, and then write an apology letter to my parents and leave it on their bed. While it was not an apology in person, it was still an apology, and I think my parents appreciated it (they probably also laughed at the letters too :D).
But isn’t that all that parents want? They want their kids to know when they have been wrong, and ask for forgiveness so everyone can just start over. That’s what God wants for us too. He wants us to come to Him, whether it is a face to face confession, or behind a screen (kind of like writing a letter). He wants us to ask for forgiveness so that he can give it us. He wants us to know that despite all that we have done, His love and mercy are still there. I felt so much peace in my heart when I finally got up the courage to go to confession.
Have you been to confession recently? Do you get as nervous as I do?
