Happy Tuesday!
It’s been awhile since I wrote something on here, (life has gotten busy) but I’ve had a lot of ideas that I’ve wanted to write about these past few weeks, so I’m trying to take advantage of some quiet time and write.
Homecoming
We welcomed my husband back home last week after being away at military training since January. For the past 7.5 months, I’ve been solo parenting and holding down the fort at home. It was a big challenge, and never one that I imagined being capable of handling. But we survived! We got through a rough winter, doctor appointments, water coming into the basement, and traveling with the kids on a plane by myself all while battling PPD. That whole time we only got to see my husband once in June for a few days.
All I can say is I’m so grateful for modern technology and a wonderful community of friends and family who checked on us and made sure we were doing ok. We still got to talk to my husband every day and video chat. He and I even got some zoom date nights in too.
7.5 months is a long time. The days leading up to my husband’s departure to his course and the days right after he left were hard. It felt like this long tunnel that would never end. But slowly, we got into the routine, and the tunnel didn’t seem as dark (especially when warmer weather hit).
Change
The kids grew a lot while he was away, and my husband could notice differences that I’m not able to see right away. While this past year has felt long, it also has gone by quickly. Shiloh was only 2 months old when Christian left, and now she is almost 9 months! I just took out her infant carrier car seat and put in a bigger one. That is the first time that I have put the infant carrier away without knowing when or if I will be using it again. And while now is not a great time for me to have another baby, it made me sad. We are transitioning into a new period of life, where for the first time in 4 years, we won’t have a newborn in the house.
Taking out that car-seat made me see our past life, the present reality, and the future. And it made me nostalgic. It also probably didn’t help that the same day I also went through the baby clothes and packed up all the newborn and smaller sizes that don’t fit Shiloh anymore. It made it more of a reality.
When Christian came home, he brought a lot of stuff back with him, and we ended up going through a lot in our house and my husband deep cleaned everything (there is only so much I can do when I’m by myself with all 4 kiddos). But that led to more baby stuff being put into storage. I’m witnessing our life change before my eyes, and it makes me want to hold onto the past a little longer. I feel like I missed a lot of this past year because I was just focusing on making it through and surviving the tunnel. But in doing so, I didn’t appreciate the present moment as I should have. I was longing for the future when my husband would be home again.
Now I’m packing up the baby stuff, and I’m wondering where the time went? My depression also took a lot of the enjoyment out of life for me too, and I feel like I missed out on a chunk of my kids’ childhood from this past year, even though I was there with them. And it makes me sad and a little angry, but I also do not wish to re-live it either.
Embrace the present
All this is to just say, be in the present moment. Embrace where you are in life. It doesn’t mean you cannot look forward to the future or look fondly on the past. They are a part of what makes you who you are.
I have been taking a step back from here these past few weeks to focus on my family. And I’ve been enjoying every second of it.
I hope you all have a great week!
