Written on May 15, 2022
Celebrating past and present achievements
There have been so many graduations recently in my family. So many things to celebrate! My sister-in-law graduated college and will be getting married next week. My older sister graduated with a counseling degree that she’s been working on for years while raising her kids. My husband completed his masters in cyber security that he, too, has been working towards for years while working his civilian job, national guard job, and spending time with us.
6 years ago to the day I had my departmental college graduation and received my diploma. Big goals flooded my head, heart, and soul. Those were exciting times. 6 years ago was also my wedding rehearsal and dinner. So many changes all at once and a wonderful adventure awaited me.
How my goals have changed
6 years later and I can’t help but wonder when I stopped thinking big thoughts and having big hopes for my future. College was great for my personal work ethic. I enjoyed learning and having goals to work towards. The goals I work towards these days look a little different; getting out of the house with all the kids, or getting them down for bed without a meltdown. The biggest goal right now: surviving the rest of this pregnancy and making it to July for baby day.
Those are good accomplishments for my lifestyle right now, but they’re not exactly ones I can write on my resume. And maybe it’s the nostalgia hitting today, but I miss that sense of achievement and importance. I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world. But I can’t help wonder if I can be doing or working towards something else as well?
The importance of motherhood
I understand the significance of motherhood. I know it’s important work. But it can also be invisible work. And maybe it’s my selfish pride sneaking in, but sometimes I wish I could do something that gets more acknowledgement day to day than just 1 day a year. I don’t get job promotions (unless you count becoming a mom of 6 instead of 5). I don’t have the time or ability to continue on with my education right now or work in a field of interest. And while I’m very proud of my family members and husband for all they accomplished, I also feel stuck in the same place with nothing to show for the college diploma I worked so hard for years ago.
But then I started reflecting on something I heard during the graduation speeches. The speakers mentioned all the alumni that had come before them. Some were important political figures, others were astronauts, Olympic athletes or award winning journalists. But not one of them mentioned that some were stay at home mothers. (Although I should point out that the Olympic athlete did mention her husband and baby boy in the crowd- babies don’t take away from dreams).
We all know the importance of our work. We all have made daily sacrifices over and over again for our kids. We still implement lessons learned from school; for example, all-nighters studying for tests prepared us for sleepless nights awake with a baby that refuses to sleep. Learning to multitask and time management skills to get assignments completed on time helps us to remember all the details of doctor appointments, school drop offs and pick ups while managing the house. So why doesn’t society acknowledge motherhood as a big accomplishment in life?
Life happens but never gets in the way
As I was listening to the homily today, the deacon made a comment about how people describe their plans and their life. He was talking about the expression, “then life gets in the way” and responded with “in the way of what?!” Life is never the problem. And it made me think of all the disagreements happening in the world today. I feel like that’s the mindset that a lot of us can have. We have our own ideas and plans for the future , but then God might have other plans for us.
At my college graduation, I thought I would have a future in the health field, helping others. But then I ended up not enjoying the training job I got after college and also getting pregnant with bad morning sickness soon after getting married which led me to leave the job I was at and stay at home. After having Rebecca I decided to go back into the workforce as a preschool assistant teacher. I thought maybe I would go back and get a degree in the education field (and who knows maybe someday I will). But then I got pregnant with Theresa, and childcare was just too expensive. So I found myself back to staying at home with the kids. Which ended up working out for my family as I found out I was expecting Shiloh a few months after Theresa was born. And now I’m pregnant again. We never would have planned it this way, but God’s plan was so much better for us than our plan.
Motherhood is an accomplishment. Our kids look up to us and rely on us to take care of everything for them. And while I don’t get job promotions, I’m the one that gets to watch them take their first steps, learn how to write their names, watch their imaginations run wild. I get all the hugs and kisses (and sometimes all the attitude), and when they are scared, hurt, or proud about something, my name is the first one they yell. I’m the most popular one in the house during the day (sometimes that changes when dad comes home).
Finding a healthy balance
I’m happy I’m able to be home with my kids and know what a blessing it is that we have a big family. I know that motherhood is hard and its an accomplishment to not only survive day to day but also take care of all the kids and help them thrive every day. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have additional, personal goals I hope to accomplish.
I’m a little late to the game but recently I have been reading One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler. I can relate to her life so much! She also had lots of kids in a short time period, and wrestled with the desire of wanting more kids while also wanting more for herself. I haven’t finished the book yet, but judging by what she is doing with her life right now (successful author and comedian), I’m assuming she found a way for both dreams.
What she describes in her book is how I have been feeling. She stayed busy with her kids and struggled to make friends. She and her husband felt called to have a big family. And her passion was writing. My husband and I both wanted a bigger family. And God blessed us with 6 kids- 1 in heaven, 4 with us and the 5th getting ready to make his debut. Did we plan on having all of them in 6 years? Not exactly. But I assure you, none of their lives “get in the way.”
But I also have this desire to do something more, for me. I love writing, and I would love to write a book and get it published. I would love to go back to school and take some more courses to help me achieve that goal. I also want to run a half marathon. It was a goal I was working towards last summer, until I got pregnant with our little saint and got off my training schedule.
I need to work on finding a healthy balance for my hobbies and interests that works with my role as a mom. I have been struggling with prioritizing the things that are important to me and it has not been helping with my depression.
For awhile, I have just been surviving life with littles without paying any mind to what I need. Over time, my goals and desires have gotten cast aside and the busy-ness of life with kids has become my excuse for why I never pursue them. And while taking care of my kids is important, I also believe that having goals of my own and taking the time to pursue them is important as well. Not just for me and my mental health, but for my family too. If I am doing what I love, they will see that and share in the joy that it brings me. Just as I have been sharing in the joy and accomplishments that they have.
If you have been struggling with the idea of wanting more for yourself but putting it off, ask yourself why. And read One Beautiful Dream by Jen Fulwiler. I have been enjoying it! And it is making me realize that I can have dreams and goals for myself while still being present for my kids. I am not a bad mom for wanting to pursue what interests me.
Motherhood- A journey of rediscovery
I wanted to get a post up for Mother’s Day this year, but it just never happened. This is the title I chose for it, though. Becoming a mom changes you. It changes who you are as a person. Obviously women go through physical changes while growing a baby, but we also go through mental changes as well. Our identity shifts as we become responsible for another life. I’m not the same person I was back in college when I was trying to figure out my future.
But I think what some of us fail to realize is that we are still ourselves. Sure, babies change a lot of things in our lives. But not everything. I am still Michelle. I may not enjoy staying up super late anymore. My version of a fun day usually involves taking my kids somewhere I know they will be able to get their energy out (and later pass out from exhaustion making it an easy bedtime!). I am a mom, yes. But I am also a woman who loves to date her husband, write, run, bake, read, go out for coffee, go to a thrift store, etc. I changed after having each baby. And while being a mom is a part of my identity, it is not the sole aspect of who I am.
Once I really realize that, I can start to create a healthy balance of everything that makes me who I am- motherhood and hobbies/interests combined.
