For those that have been following my blog, I mentioned in my last post that this pregnancy was a challenging one for me not because of complications due to baby’s health but because of the toll it took on my mental health. I want to share my experiences this time because I feel like perinatal/postpartum depression and anxiety don’t get mentioned enough or if they do its not a topic a lot feel comfortable discussing, even though a lot of women suffer from it.
It took awhile for me to share what I was going through with my family and friends, and it is still not something I’m super comfortable talking about, but I hope that by doing so I may help someone who is going through the same thing I am know they are not alone.
My Pregnancy
This was not a planned pregnancy. If you were to tell my 16-year-old self that in 10 years I would be married and have 4 kids under 4 years old I would have called you crazy. But God had other plans for me and my family, and now (even in the chaotic moments) I cannot picture my life any different. But at the beginning of my pregnancy, I was not too enthusiastic about being pregnant again and having another baby so soon after having Theresa. It was so similar to when I was pregnant with Rebecca and made me nervous about having to go through that again.
(Backstory of my pregnancy with Rebecca- The actual pregnancy was smooth, but afterwards I struggled. I was scared to leave the house with two kids under 2, and I did not know anyone in the area. I ended up isolating myself because of my anxiety and had a tough time for a few months postpartum. I did not go to my postpartum doctor’s appointment and never received help for the anxiety I felt.)
On top of a surprise pregnancy, COVID made everything even more stressful with trying to figure out who was going to watch the kids so I could make my appointments, and Christian was not able to go to my appointments with me because usually he was at home watching the kids so that I could make the appointment. I was constantly worrying about what hospital restrictions would look like by the time baby was due. We also had a few instances where Christian was exposed to someone who tested positive, and we had to self-isolate, or extend a trip so the kids and I wouldn’t get exposed, which only added to the stress I was under. Theresa also had her surgery during my pregnancy, and the complications from that left us pretty stressed out as well.
By the time I was halfway through my pregnancy, I started becoming very irritable and short tempered. I did not feel like my usual self. I was very tired and did not have the emotional energy to make my meetings or make it to the gym. I felt anxious some days and occasionally had breakdowns. I hated how angry I always was, and I felt like a terrible parent to my kids.
The difference between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Rebecca is that this time, I decided that I was tired of feeling this way, and got up the courage to talk to my OB doctor on how I was feeling. I got a list of therapists from her and made an appointment with one after calling around to several places (did you know how hard it is to find a therapist right now? That is a different story). I have had my virtual visits for a few months now and have also started medication after Shiloh was born. Talking to someone has really helped me sort all my feelings out and understand why I have been feeling the way I do.
I realized that I was on edge a lot and thought my irritability stemmed from my anxiety. What I did not realize is that the irritability and anger I was feeling was also related to depression. I wish someone would have told me ahead of time that it could present itself that way, and not just as feeling sad. (Most of the time, I did not feel sad, just angry). It took talking to my therapist to realize that I was depressed on top of anxious. It felt great to have someone validate my feelings and confirm what I thought but was kind of in denial about. I had thought my anxiety and feelings of anger were heightened more than usual, but I was not positive that it was something that would be abnormal and just be seen as pregnancy hormones. I have been pregnant 4 times in the past 4 years, so I’m used to being a little bit more emotional than the average person. One of the reasons I was not convinced completely that I had a problem was because I was not always anxious or angry. I had good days that had me question if I really needed extra help. But then I had my bad days where I just felt off. As I grew closer to my due date I became more fatigued, and less motivated to do the things that I enjoyed, like going to the gym, going to my meetings, reading a book, or writing my blog posts (so now you know why I’ve been missing for a little bit). I also had trouble sleeping and felt less and less connected to the baby. I had a mix of emotions. I was ready for her come, but also not ready for Theresa to be an older sister, and not ready for life with a newborn again.
My Birth Story
My due date for Shiloh was November 6. I was induced for all my other pregnancies; when I was pregnant with Gabriel my water broke, but contractions did not start on their own, so I ended up needing an induction to help progress. With Rebecca I had an elective induction at 39 weeks to make sure we had a babysitter for Gabriel, as we had just moved to the area and didn’t know anyone who could watch him. Theresa I ended up getting induced the day after her due date, as the doctors did not want me to go too far over my due date, and it was also easier to make sure we had childcare then too. This time around, I really wanted to go into labor on my own, and I was hoping that she would come on All Saints Day, because how awesome would that be? It also meant that I would not miss Theresa’s first birthday on Halloween.
Well, I got my wish. I was having inconsistent contractions for days leading up to the first, but they never progressed. The morning of the first was no different. I felt okay at first but started having some inconsistent contractions. I decided to go for a long walk with Snowy to help them move along, and I was having contractions during the walk. When I came home and sat down though, they slowed down for a few hours. Around 4pm, they become time-able and were coming at every 8-9 minutes. I was not positive that it was really labor yet, and it seemed like they were slowing down. But suddenly they jumped up to every 5 minutes apart, and quickly jumped to every 2-3 minutes apart. At this point our other kids were in bed and we were finding childcare, and letting family know that we were heading to the hospital. I was starting to become worried as we were waiting for our childcare to arrive. The contractions were getting intense and I was not sure if we would make it to the hospital on time so I could get an epidural.
I did not know how far along I was. The whole drive to the hospital I was having very intense contractions close together and called the hospital to let them know we were on the way. We got to the hospital at 7pm, and as we were getting ready to go inside, my water broke. Christian had to help me walk inside, and I got checked and they realized that I was ready to have the baby and were quickly taking me to the delivery room. The doctor from my practice did not even make it there on time, so another doctor delivered her.
This was a traumatic birth experience for me. At the end, labor progressed so quickly, and I did not have time for an epidural (she was born at 7:30pm after getting to the hospital at 7pm). My anxiety was bad, and I was in shock after the delivery. I did not feel super connected to her after the birth, and had trouble sleeping that night because I was thinking about the birth. My birth experience this time was so different, and while it brought me Shiloh and I am so happy and in love with her now, I wish it would have gone differently.
This year has been tough for everyone. I found myself focusing on a word to help focus on the positives. My word I chose for this year has been “sunshine”. It reminds me to see the bright things in life, and reminds me of my kids, my motherhood vocation. We always sing “you are my sunshine” to our kids before naptime and bedtime. I decided to seek out help this time so that I could be better for my kids. I also tried to choose bright clothes or ones that had sunflowers or referenced sunshine on them to also make things seem brighter and focus on why I do what I do- for them and for my family.
I also started a prolife project on my Instagram account halfway through my pregnancy, by posting an update on how baby was growing every Friday when she got a week older and a week closer to us meeting her. Look up #prolifefridayswithmichelle on Instagram if you want to check it out!
I have read a lot of things this year about how people have felt further from God because of the COVID outbreak and not being able to go to mass in person and receive Communion. It has been more difficult to feel like my relationship with Him has been strong during the pandemic.
However, even with all my struggles with anxiety and depression I never felt like God abandoned me.
I wrote about my devotion to saying the Rosary in an article I wrote for Motherhood Through the Mysteries (you can read it here), and how it helped me accept this pregnancy. I still continued to pray the Rosary throughout my pregnancy when I could, and on my bad days, I’d pray for help to God and asked Mary’s intercession to help me be the mother my kids deserved. I know that through my struggles, I was (and still am) being taken care of by Him and that Mary is helping me. As great as praying for help is, sometimes God also requires action on our part to help answer our prayers. And this time, that is what he was requiring me to do. With prayer, therapy, and treatment I am getting the help that I need.
After I gave birth and Shiloh and I were moved to our room, I noticed a picture hanging up on the wall. I was still processing everything that happened that night and still was in shock, so I did not pay particular attention to it, but it kept on catching my eye. It wasn’t until I woke up that night and looked at it again that I realized it was a picture of a sunflower, my symbol for hope and perseverance through my struggles, and I knew that God was with me! All my pain and anxiety from that night was not overlooked. That picture of a sunflower is what I needed to see to help calm me down, remind me of God’s presence, and help me sleep the rest of the night.
Postpartum Transition
Postpartum is such an emotional and weird time in life. It is very joyful celebrating a new baby. But it is also a big transition for everyone. The baby is getting used to life outside of the womb, new siblings are getting used to less attention and having a new person in the house, the dog also has to adjust to having a new housemate and getting less attention. It is a big transition for both mom and dad having another person to take care of, while functioning on little sleep and still trying to take care of everyday life tasks.
Postpartum is an incredibly stressful time for women. At the end of my pregnancy I was ready for the baby to be born so I could have my body back. But once baby is born, my body still does not feel like my own. It is not the way it was before I was pregnant, and I had a little being in me for 9 months that suddenly is not there anymore. I’m sore, I have restrictions on activities that I am not supposed to do for a few weeks like hold my older kids or vacuum the house (of course it’s actually the chore I don’t mind doing that I cannot do). One of the nice things I noticed a change in is that after having Theresa, the doctor’s office checks up on us 2 weeks after giving birth instead of 6 weeks after. I also got checked on a lot this time because of my anxiety/depression score and I will have another follow up in 3 months.
I feel like this postpartum period has been going better for me. This is my fourth time going through it, so I kind of know what physical changes to expect. This is also the first time Christian has paternity leave, and it has been so nice to have him home and have the extra help! He has taken such good care of me and helped with chores and lifting the kids when I was not supposed to yet.
I have been making sure to take some time for myself and have been getting outside every day to take Snowy for a walk (it is good for her too). We have also made sure to nap when the kids nap if we feel we need it.
I still get impatient at times at how far I still have to go to get to feeling completely normal again, and be able to go back to the gym and work out at the intensity that I had been before pregnancy. I am also working on my anxiety and ways to work through triggers and accepting my birth story this time. I know everything will take time, and prayer.
In the meantime, we are all adjusting to being a family of 6 and are taking in all the baby snuggles!
Mental health is still a topic that people are trying to understand, and it still needs to become normalized in conversation. It’s not easy for me to share my struggles with it, but I want to get my story out so that others can feel like they can share theirs too or can get help if they need it. If we become more open and accepting of others, then we can feel more comfortable asking for help when we need it.
Have you had perinatal/postpartum anxiety or depression? Feel free to share your story!
How have you chosen to focus on the positives in life during 2020 or any stressful time in your life? Do you have a certain word or phrase that helps you? Feel free to share it below!
