It’s been a year since I found I was most likely miscarrying Jesse. September 13, 2021 I went into my doctor’s appointment and heard the words that no parent wants to hear. Baby was measuring small, and there was no detectable heartbeat. I had to wait another week to see if there was any change, but I could tell by the looks on the tech’s and doctor’s faces that there probably was not going to be any.
This week has been a more emotional one for me. So much has happened in a year. Here is my reflection on what it is like 1 year after a miscarriage. I also want to add that this is my personal story, and things and situations may be different for others.
1 year later
Is it any easier after time has passed? No. Definitely not. But, it is becoming more normal to live with if that makes sense. We have ultrasound pictures of Jesse hanging up in our home. We have little dolls of Jesse, one of which my almost 3 year old loves to play with. My oldest asked the other day if Elijah died (Elijah is our youngest right now). When I asked if he meant Jesse, he said “oh, yeah.” Is it easy to say that Jesse died? No. It’s not any easier. But it’s our reality. And it makes me happy to know that my kids remember Jesse.
It’s hard to live far away from where Jesse is buried. I haven’t been able to visit the shrine since March. We are finally going to be back in town at the end of the month and I’ll be able to visit Jesse right around the year mark of when he/she was born.
Is it easier to live with since I got my rainbow? No. In a way, it’s more difficult. My pregnancy with Jesse took off the rose colored glasses for me. My pregnancy with Elijah was filled with anxiety and grief. And now that I have Elijah, I still live with the anxiety that something could happen and he will be taken away from me. I am working on it in therapy though and my therapist asked me this: “What are you doing to make sure he stays safe?” So I told her everything I was doing. And then she told me that I’m doing everything I can to keep him safe, and there comes a point where we just have to trust that everything will be ok.
It all comes down to trust. Trusting God that my kids will be safe and healthy. Trusting God that Jesse is in Heaven with Him. Trusting God that His plan is better than mine. The grief of loss will always be there. Part of my heart is in heaven with Jesse.
It still feels weird to answer the question how many kids I have. Most of the time I give the “easy” answer and just say 5 so I don’t have to go into detail about the miscarriage. But that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten Jesse. I know that I am a mom of 6. I am blessed to have 5 of my kids with me and one watching over me.
Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows. I never realized it before but saw posts for it on Instagram today; I have seen so many women who have suffered losses who find this feast day comforting in a way, because we know that if anyone understands our grief, Mary can.
Our Lady of Sorrows, Pray for us.
